#8

Haven’t been here in a long while, thinking life is bearable and is alright or am I just cheating myself and the people around me. Guess it’s time to be honest about myself.

People say don’t look back into the past no matter what happens cuz there is nothing you can do about the past but learn from them, take everything to know and move on…but somehow I find it more comforting to look back into the past cuz the new things in life are taking a toll on me. Is it because of me trying to stay my old self and refusing to move on…I guess it’s the wrong decision to make all this while cuz sooner or later I will need to move on and lead a new life. This is my wish to leave everything behind.

But let me just take this time to reminisce on the past cuz somehow its where I find my comfort. College life at that time wasn’t as great as it felt it was but when you compare now I really miss everyone back there. Maybe we were less grown up then so people we meet were much simpler them or maybe I was just lucky to meet such people.

Thinking what’s wrong with life that I meet all sorts of people. Significant people many but names that come to mind right now. People that are quite close to heart besides family, Cat and E; these people I can never not care about. Somehow at the end of it all no matter how far I run, my heart is attached to this 2. This is really honest. I guess I cannot deny that they are important to me.

I do miss my old friends…maybe man are just never complacent in life. I maybe just will never be satisfied with what I have now.

I think one of the worst things is that even I don’t know what I want. I am so confused in life that I’ve lost my way. I’ve been running around in circles and giving directions to people like I know the way but instead I’m lost. Not just lost but very lost. Uni life, I feel very tired. Is it because of my attitude towards things and my lack of will?

I’m blaming myself for all that is to happen to me for if I’m strong nothing can bring me down. I guess all this while I never depend on God. It is time to weaken my knees and look to God and give my life wholly to God. I can’t and won’t have it any other way.

At the end of it all, I’m just touching the surfaces of it all cuz I really can’t identify all that is going on in my life right now. I can only admit how lost I am and how much help I need…it’s time to get myself back again. Pull it all back together.

My heart is for God. I have passions in life which is not just this but it seems like I am forgetting it all. I’m so tired with life, so weak in facing life’s challenges that I lost confidence in all I do. Yet I entrust my future to the Lord. But I do have a heart for music; I have a heart for writing stories and music. But I will not forget that got gave me a heart with compassion to help those around me. Maybe I really took the wrong course but I cant change what I have done but these few things close to my heart, my passion I pray that God will give me chances to make my dreams come true but all for the glory of God and nothing else. I don’t want to be away from God’s path so help me God I pray to keep my ways right and give me strength to keep me running.

I’ll stop here cuz I know I’m going nowhere ranting like this…I guess its just me a slacker and a complainer. Hopefully things will head for the better. This can’t go on.