#11

I cant stop thinking about you. I cant stop missing you. I cant stop thinking about what happened that night.

I've never hugged anyone else to sleep before except for 2 person, and u're the second person. It felt so real, it felt so nice and it felt like I never wanna let go. It really felt like we connected. And the time where u were staring at me in the middle of the night and kissed me on my cheek, I wish it would never end. And as the night continues and I stare at you from behind, I really wanna kiss ya and let things continue but I just couldn't do it.

it all happened too fast. and its all too short. now we're in our separate ways but you will always be in my heart. I really miss you. and i think i love u.

#10

When you’re wishing the world would treat you fairly? Guess what, it doesn’t...

It’s always up to you to decide your future but if you’re not hard enough nothing ever comes out of what you decide and it all goes back to square one...

As weak as I am now, I have no strength to come to a final decision…as if living life is contradicting itself…what am I doing? What am I thinking?

Should I even be wasting life away like this while there are so many people out there living their dreams no matter how hard it gets…they stick to it and succeed…

No success comes without hardwork and tears and sweat…with a dream and a goal…they hold on to it and make them come true…

And now I know I lack both the dream and determination…cuz I am tired of this life…but I can’t let it be anymore…

An inspiration from all that I see…I shouldn’t just sit here and bore holes into my life…something has got to get going…I will keep trying…

And I will keep trusting in God no matter how hard the road gets…till I reach the finish line…there’s where I can rest…

So God please help me…I need you now…

As ashamed as I am to admit it; All I have as an offering:

Are the pieces of a life not worth having; And the shame only arrogance bring...

So I fall down in total surrender; As I drink in the mercy you are;

For the rest of my life and forever; Lord, this will be the cry of my heart...

All will be better…have faith and hold on!!

#9

Bright beautiful morning…looks beautiful after the past few rainy days…seems like mood has gotten a little better after that night of letting some rubbish get out of my life…

Though I will have to admit that somehow things around me at this point of time has its letdowns too. Though its bright and sunny out there, there is something about the atmosphere in the room. But nevertheless if I go on and care so much about everything around me I will just end up killing myself again.

I’m trying to let things go the way they are. Not being cold but just letting it be…I wonder how long I can hold on to being like this but somehow this is the only way I can find my way out. I’m sorry for everyone around me but please let me be a loner for now. Tired as I am, trying to find myself…

Being sick isn’t fun. Feel so sicky. Haven’t fully regained myself but I’m still trying. It will still be a long way if I were to find my will.

But watching Step Up 3D yesterday, though just a simple entertainment movie. There are some things that I could learn. Like how much will and how much they will go for their interests close to their hearts. That is something worth learning. There could be more but I’ll spare myself writing mushy stuff all down.

Day 2 of regaining myself…how have I done? I wonder. LET IT BE!!!

#8

Haven’t been here in a long while, thinking life is bearable and is alright or am I just cheating myself and the people around me. Guess it’s time to be honest about myself.

People say don’t look back into the past no matter what happens cuz there is nothing you can do about the past but learn from them, take everything to know and move on…but somehow I find it more comforting to look back into the past cuz the new things in life are taking a toll on me. Is it because of me trying to stay my old self and refusing to move on…I guess it’s the wrong decision to make all this while cuz sooner or later I will need to move on and lead a new life. This is my wish to leave everything behind.

But let me just take this time to reminisce on the past cuz somehow its where I find my comfort. College life at that time wasn’t as great as it felt it was but when you compare now I really miss everyone back there. Maybe we were less grown up then so people we meet were much simpler them or maybe I was just lucky to meet such people.

Thinking what’s wrong with life that I meet all sorts of people. Significant people many but names that come to mind right now. People that are quite close to heart besides family, Cat and E; these people I can never not care about. Somehow at the end of it all no matter how far I run, my heart is attached to this 2. This is really honest. I guess I cannot deny that they are important to me.

I do miss my old friends…maybe man are just never complacent in life. I maybe just will never be satisfied with what I have now.

I think one of the worst things is that even I don’t know what I want. I am so confused in life that I’ve lost my way. I’ve been running around in circles and giving directions to people like I know the way but instead I’m lost. Not just lost but very lost. Uni life, I feel very tired. Is it because of my attitude towards things and my lack of will?

I’m blaming myself for all that is to happen to me for if I’m strong nothing can bring me down. I guess all this while I never depend on God. It is time to weaken my knees and look to God and give my life wholly to God. I can’t and won’t have it any other way.

At the end of it all, I’m just touching the surfaces of it all cuz I really can’t identify all that is going on in my life right now. I can only admit how lost I am and how much help I need…it’s time to get myself back again. Pull it all back together.

My heart is for God. I have passions in life which is not just this but it seems like I am forgetting it all. I’m so tired with life, so weak in facing life’s challenges that I lost confidence in all I do. Yet I entrust my future to the Lord. But I do have a heart for music; I have a heart for writing stories and music. But I will not forget that got gave me a heart with compassion to help those around me. Maybe I really took the wrong course but I cant change what I have done but these few things close to my heart, my passion I pray that God will give me chances to make my dreams come true but all for the glory of God and nothing else. I don’t want to be away from God’s path so help me God I pray to keep my ways right and give me strength to keep me running.

I’ll stop here cuz I know I’m going nowhere ranting like this…I guess its just me a slacker and a complainer. Hopefully things will head for the better. This can’t go on.

#7

And when I thought everything was going right, it would seem that everytime I quietened down I finally realise I've hit rockbottom and no, it feels like shit...

Tears refrained, pain endured...life has to go on...exhausted in life, trying to be the best you can...its not that easy to be...

Should I walk away and start being cold? It is what it was meant to be cuz a lot of has changes since...

The skies these days are dark...there isnt much stars anymore...and its too cold to head to the beach...

All I wanna do know...I want my guitar and strum to my hearts content...the sound of the guitar...is the only peace to my soul now...

My life...in a mess...pick it up and start over...I wish

#6

Life…what is everything else? I don’t even know what I am trying to convey today. But somehow everything I see everything I do I just keep thinking how screwed the situations I get my life into.

That’s how bad things are? I guess I am lost. Finding myself…I need help.

#5

Things are just getting way out of hand. Things are changing though everyone denies it. I wouldn’t avoid cuz that pain that I am feeling wouldn’t let me. I know I will miss the times we had. The stars were that close to me last weekend though we were tossed sitting out in the cold under the night sky. The closest the star has ever got before things started to go downhill, the star begins to change its directions. Is it because winter is here? Reasons only you and I will know. Nothing feels the same anymore or is it just me?

My head hurts. And I know and everyday I tell myself I am very lucky that the beach loves me the way I am. The beach always loving, always there. I will count my blessings and so I will not fail to bless others around me.

I don’t know where I am heading. Too much feelings too little words. Good night everyone.

#4

Everything is getting worse by the day. How can 1 wake up every morning and more depressed than the day before. What’s going on?

The stars and the beach, both far away... both unable to make me happy…that is how bad it is…

#3

The stars were coming on too close lately that it made me so happy that I thought that I could reach for the stars and finally feel what it would feel like to have the stars so close to me. But as I tried to touch it with my heart feel with excitement it only brought my heart despair. For it was worth was that I found out is a matter of what my mind thought, hallucination and it felt like its time for me to wake up from my sleep under the midnight sky filled with shiny shimmering stars.

Stars were totally out of my league. I thought I knew a lot about the stars but yesterday I found out that the stars needs no one to admire them for they can survive alone in the world. They’re already shining and 1 person less to admire them like I did would not affect their shininess at all. So today I woke up with a broken heart. Shying away, trying to disappear, is all this what I should really do? Once again, there’s a hole in this heart. All that is worth…I think I’m still not sober.

But too myself or the stars, that was the last time I would get drunk. It is time to wake up and tell myself no more drinking. Study is my goal and everything else would have to come after it.

#2

Today, I knew the stars a little more than I used to. My many firsts were used today. And the lonely walk by the harbor was something I had always dreamt of in a long while. Time spent with the stars put a smile on my face but as the night ended, this smile was taken apart by the feared voice of the world. Is it that important what people may think? Or was I just drunk with just a few sips of sparkling wine, or maybe is just true that if you wanna get drunk, you will be even if you don’t dream.

I’ve never meant to run away from my dreams. I know if I could I would stay by the beach forever. That’s all I ever dreamt of my entire life and since the day I encountered the beach. It is my destiny to spend my life enjoying the warmth, peace, comfort and joy that the beach has to offer me especially through the many rides of my life.

But I have neither forgotten the stars. Since the day someone thought me the importance of stars, I would never forget to take a peek of the sky if there were stars shining down on me or not. But I have never meant to get any closer than this as the stars were always too far from reach.

All I could do is gaze at the night sky and look at the stars twinkle back at me. But it would run away from me and most of the time it would hide away. Why now do the stars come back into my life? And this time the star is coming too close and I am afraid I would burn myself if I try to touch the stars. It’s no more me looking at the night skies and wondering where my dreams would take me. Somehow it’s getting out of hand and it isn’t good.

But somewhere deep in my heart I know this…Unlike the warm beach, whose warmth and love I can feel and I know the beach would do nothing at its best to hurt me. The beach and I can never be separated, that’s how much I love the beach. The stars will only shine my life, and I will be someone who helps the stars know how important they are as well but boundaries will be boundaries. The beach and the stars, they will be a definite part of my life. And I hope they will never leave me.

#1

Day has passed from the first day I thought of doing this. You can say it’s a need but you can also say it’s something unnecessary. Remaining unknown yet wanting to say all that’s hidden inside cuz somehow it can really be too much to bear and it’s weighing me down. Reminiscence of things unknown, is that possible? This heart and soul is too mixed up for me to even make everything clear for myself.

I’m missing the stars but I’m missing sunset at the beach as well. Can one just miss both at the same time?

I’ve been thought that the stars we look at each night is similar everywhere. Unknowingly, we may all be looking at the same stars under the same bright sky.

Have you ever thought that every ocean in the world flows with the same water as well?

In everything that you see, it only depends on what you choose to see, or what not….

But today I choose to see nothing cuz I dare not face what I’m looking at now. Will tomorrow be a better day after all the memories and events that have passed…what will change and what will not change? I only know I will not forget; the star nor the beach.